A conversation between two retail workers that will never, never happen:

Ricardo- Hey, I saw the parking lot was pretty full. Busy day so far?

Gus- God, yes. We're getting killed in here.

Ricardo-All right. What do you need me to start on?

Gus-Well, we've got an awful lot of product on aisle N3 that isn't out of its packaging yet. Coffee makers, blenders, toasters...

Ricardo-Wait, what? They're just sitting on the shelf? Sealed?

Gus-Yeah, I know.

Ricardo-It's, like, three in the afternoon! What have you guys been doing all day?

Gus-I told you, man, we're getting killed! People just keep looking at merchandise, using the graphics and item description on the box to determine if they want it, then putting it neatly back on the shelf when they're done!

Ricardo-Aw, man!

Gus-Tell me about it. So, over on N3, we've got all those sealed boxes, so you could probably start over there. Just rip open the boxes, and make sure you tear up the cardboard so it can't be properly resealed.

Ricardo-Okay. Do you need me to randomly lose the insructions and warranty information several aisles down from where the product normally goes?

Gus-Yeah, that would actually be really cool. I had asked Raphael to get started on that earlier, but I'm not sure where he is.

Ricardo-I saw him on the way in. He had a cart full of half-empty drinks with him, taking them around and leaving them on shelves so that people could knock them over onto merchandise and the floor.

Gus-Good. I was going to do that myself later, but if he's got that, then I can focus on chewing up these sunflower seeds, taking the soaking gob of chewed shells out of my mouth, and hiding it behind these comforters.

Ricardo-You need a hand with that?

Gus-No, I should be able to take care of it.

Ricardo-All right. Well, then I'm going to head downstairs really fast, knock some signs off of the sales merch, then put the sign back up on a similar product that's not on sale so that people can swear at us over a thirty cent price discrepancy.

Gus-Cool.

Ricardo-And then I'll get to work on N3.

Gus-Thanks, man.


Let me be clear: IF WE WANTED THIS TO HAPPEN IN OUR STORE, WE WOULD TAKE CARE OF IT OURSELVES.