REVIEW - Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

Jerry Bruckheimer: So, that last one we made, the uh...

Michael Bay: The Transformers?

Bruckheimer: Yeah! The Transformer things. You know, we need this next movie to be even bigger, right?

Bay: Yeah! I was thinking that!

Bruckheimer: So you know what we're gonna do?

Bay: Yeah?

Bruckheimer: In order to top all those awesome robot fights and special effects?

Bay: Yeah? Yeah? What are we gonna do, Jerry?

Bruckheimer: Two words, bro: More. Humans.

Bay: Yeah! More...more humans?

Bruckheimer: And not just any humans! One-dimensional humans that fall into easily stereotyped categories! We'll have the bumbling government suit guy, the horny college kid computer whiz...and that's not even counting the ones we're bringing back from the other movie!

Bay: I'm...I'm sorry, Jerry, I just don't see it.

Bruckheimer: Well, you will, Mike, you will! I mean, if people thought those kids and his parents were funny before, well just wait till they see the wacky stuff they'll be doing in this movie! And none of it to do with robots! I mean, people will forget this movie has anything to do with robots at all, they'll be so busy laughing at these hijinks!

Bay: Jerry, I don't know, I think what people want is more robot fights.

Bruckheimer: I hear you, Mike, I hear you, and I like what I'm hearing. More robots. Well, I'll tell you what we're gonna have, Mike: More. Robots.

Bay: Yeah!

Bruckheimer: That's right, Mike! More robots that are all the same color and therefore difficult to distinguish from one another in the few fight scenes we're gonna have!

Bay: Wait. Jerry, did you say fewer robot fight scenes?

Bruckheimer: Oh, yeah, you heard me right, bro! What did we have, like, about one third of the last movie was robot fighting? The audience, they've seen that stuff already! It's old news, and this movie is gonna be all about moving forward. So, we're gonna have the robots on screen a lot, but they'll probably only actually be fighting for about, eh...say fifteen minutes of a two and a half hour movie?

Bay: What?

Bruckheimer: Oh, yeah. I mean, the robots are gonna be busy talking to each other, making bad puns, almost saying naughty words that we can't put into a PG-13 movie, creating gross ethnic stereotypes...

Bay: Are you kidding me? Jerry, do you not remember Jazz the black Autobot?

Bruckheimer: Remember him? Buddy, I designed him! And you know what? He might be dead, but we're gonna do him one better. We're gonna have two robots who perpetuate offensive stereotypes of the black youth in America! They're going to be vulgar, they're going to be annoying, and maybe we'll even shoehorn in a pointless reference about them being illiterate!

Bay: Why would we have something in there about robots needing to read?

Bruckheimer: So we can point out the ones that can't, Mike! I'm telling you, these two robots are going to be even better CGI creations than that Jar Jar Binks guy! People'll be watching them going, 'Wow! These guys are way wittier and more contemporary than that Jar Jar! More offensive, too!'

Bay: Well, Jerry...

Bruckheimer: Robot balls!

Bay: E...excuse me?

Bruckheimer: I was just thinking, that's what else was missing from that first one, was a big, silver pair of robot balls hanging down between the legs of one of the bad guys!

Bay: You're kidding right?

Bruckheimer: Nah, it'll be great! And they'll be big wrecking balls, like from a construction vehicle.

Bay: Gosh, Jerry, you don't think that's being too subtle?

Bruckheimer: Hmm...You're right again, Mike! We'd better have a character point them out to the audience in case they don't notice the ENORMOUS SILVER ROBO-BALLS!

Bay: Jerry, I mean this is starting to sound-

Bruckheimer: Maybe an old robot that walks with a cane...

Bay: What?

Bruckheimer: And a little robot that'll hump a girl's leg!

Bay: Okay, Jerry, that's enough!

Bruckheimer: There'll be so many robots that serve no purpose other than to be funny and not fight, it'll be the greatest-

Bay: JERRY!

Bruckhemier: ...Huh? What?

Bay: Jerry. I can't let you do this to this movie. I mean, you've gone on long enough with this. More humans? Almost no robot fighting? Robo-balls? Jerry, people care about this franchise. These are characters they've grown up with, characters they've shared with their kids, we can't just crap all over them like this! We need some integrity, we need some copy-editing, some...

Bruckheimer: Did I forget to tell you we're paying you $10 million dollars to make this movie?

Bay: ......

Bruckheimer: Michael...?

Bay: ......Robo-balls, you say?

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THE MOVIE IN FIVE WORDS OR LESS: Terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible.